Difficult Conversations

Difficult conversations consume our lives. Whether it's with a struggling student, a nasty neighbor, or heck, even my dog, it seems like there is never a "right way" to handle a rough situation.

The first thing that strikes me with the Stone, Patton, Heen text (SPEEN for short), is on the bottom of page 6, "threes an awful lot going on... that is not being spoken."

If I have learned anything from Diane Ketelle, it's that we each come to a situation with our own truth. It's not just about what we heard (during a conversation), it's about why and how we were affected by such a conversation. SPEEN says, "Every strong view you have is profoundly influenced by your past experiences...often we aren't even aware of how these experiences affect our interpretations of the world. We simply believe that this is the way things are" (35). This is incredibly reflective of almost every disagreement I have ever had since I could form sentence... shoot, probably even before then. I can recall a particular instance when I was playing in a pool with my then parter's 6 year old nephew - I was swinging him around in circles when he stopped and asked me, "Angela, are you a boy or a girl?" I replied, "Well Joshua, what do you think?" To which he responded, "I think you are a girl." I then asked, "Are you a boy or a girl?" He laughed and said, "I'm a boy!" This was hilarious to him, the fact that I even had to ask. Curious, I questioned, "Well how do you know you're a boy?" He thought about this for a second and said "Well I have a boy room with lots of boy toys and my mom calls me 'her little boy.'" Settled, he swam away. Though this snapshot is not necessarily considered a difficult conversation, it's a perfect example of how we as people, even at 6 years of age, bring our own experiences to the table when we make assumptions about the way things are or how they ought to be. Joshua's "I'm a boy because I have a boy room" makes complete sense to him because it's all he knows, all that he has seen. We must take these truths as they come when entering into potentially tricky interactions.

"It's not about what's true, it's about what's important" (10).

I loved SPEENS section on "Two Truths That Arent." The first explores the "truth" that I really am right. This is me after most disagreements. I'll settle the dispute in a very friendly way, but walk away with the satisfaction of knowing that I'm right. WRONG. The conversation is NOT about what's true, it's about what's important. What's the real reason behind the conflict? What's your role in how things are decided? How have your decisions affected the feelings and perspectives of your peers? Being right doesn't do much good when you're the only one at the finish line. I can remember a particular struggle that I dealt with last year involving Cal Poly rejoining the State Student Association. I worked tirelessly on reconstructing that organization from the ground up, lobbied for months to hold a meeting on our campus, and begged for money every few weeks to participate in the regular policy conversations, and STILL my campus wouldn't budge on rejoining. I knew that rejoining the organization was the right thing to do - it was what was best for the school and for the system. But that wasn't what the argument was about - it wasn't about what was "right" - it was about everyone getting a fair and democratic say. Sometimes this means swallowing one's pride and allowing the system to work as it should. In the end, Cal Poly voted to rejoin the Association. This was a major victory, but not one to be taken lightly. Even after the vote, I was forced into countless conversations about the appropriateness of our decision. Turns out that even when you include a voting body, the ripple effect is never ending.

Intention vs. perception

When I think of my own struggle with intention and perception I imagine a boxing ring. Dim lights. Kind of dingy - you know, Depression Era entertainment style. An announcer comes to the drop down microphone, "In this corner, standing 6'2", 240 pounds, the heavy weight from New York, PERCEPTION!... In this corner, standing 5'6", 125 pounds, the light weight from San Diego, INTENTION!" The crowd roars!

It's simply an unfair fight. Perception will always defeat intention.

SPEEN offers us a way out. First, don't assume that you know the other person's intentions. SPEEN'S example is perfect - an example illustrating an exchange between a couple where the guy says to the woman, "lay off the ice cream." She hears, "You're a fat ass." He means, "You told me to help you with your diet, so I'm trying to stop you from scooping seconds." Now, admittedly, I probably wouldn't have approached this situation in the way that the boyfriend did. As a woman who dates women, the best piece of advice I can give is NEVER make a comment about how much a woman is eating, ESPECIALLY in front of other people. I can't think of a single situation where this is a good idea... unless it co insides with a food allergy. Regardless, the guy's intention was not to embarrass his girlfriend, nor was it to make her feel bad about herself. Leo's (the BF) second mistake was to assume that once he clarified his intentions and made note that they were actually good, that the impact would be positive. YIKES, Leo - boy, are you wrong. I can't count how many times I've said, "Well I was only trying to make you laugh" or "I didn't mean it in a bad way" or "Honey, I thought you wanted me to tell you when you had bad breath or something in your teeth." Sometimes we never learn.

In Chapter 4, "Abandon Blame" - or as I like to call it, "Everyone is Wrong Except Me," SPEEN explores the mystical world of Blame - why we do it, how we hide behind it, and how it can be avoided without closing other people out. I found most of this chapter very obvious, but I really enjoyed the notes on "Avoiding Until Now" (71) and "Problematic Assumptions" (75). In work situations, or even personal situations, people can find it difficult to change out of their respective social roles. It's comfortable, known, and expected. We are hesitant to bring up issues because we are concerned that it will shift the dynamic. Take it from me and my ex-roommate, Brandon - it's always better to address a problem right away, even if it means that things get a little rocky for a few days. A few days of awkward beats the hell out of a long over due blowout. Work together to realize the mistakes that were made and leave your pride at the door.

I haven't had the time to process the feelings and identities chapters just yet. SOOOOO... to be continued...